This Is For My People in Far East (ern United States)

    Just so we're clear It's Springs just Springs there is no definite article fuck off.
And no, THE Hamptons is not a place on any map in any way it's not a place it does not exist Kanye West can say what he wants it isn't a place fuck off.
And yes, Montauk hates your fedora hates your girlfriend hates your boyfriend hates the surfboard you've never ridden hates the Long Island Iced Tea you just vomited up in the bathroom at The Cross Eyed Clam or the Sloppy Tuna or whatever vagina referencing travesty with a happy hour you stumbled into tonight fuck off.
No, you will not get the shit beat out of you just for walkiing into Wolffies but nobody minds that you think that please don't come in get back in your Beamer please don't come in fuck off.
Yes, Ralph Lauren has taken over East Hampton it might as well be called East Polo you are welcome to set it on fire and lock the doors locals don't work there just set Main Street on fire fuck off.
No, Stephen Tawwwkhouse is not the owner of the Stephen Talkhouse he was a Native American he's dead he hates you go back to Staten Island fuck off.
No, the speed limit on Napeague Stretch is not thirty miles an hour pull over or crash either one sounds good go faster we hate you what's wrong with Connecticut isn't Bridgeport nice this time of year time to go home fuck off.
Yes, a ten percent tip is about as cool as your entitled fingers right up my ass is today your first day outside of your house your first time eating in a restaurant your first life experience beyond the New Jersey border fuck off.
No, nobody cares which frat you pledged which gel you use which girl you fucked which boy you fucked what car you drive which gym you lift at what your name is how old you are anything about you straight or gay black or white or brown coke or weed booze or beer Ed Hardy or Affliction where you bought it probably Roosevelt Field nobody cares fuck off.
Yes, we love your money we just hate you leave the money at the door just give us the money get back in your Range Rover it doesn't sound fair but we don't care just give us the money fuck off.